Undo
by Ladywilde
Summary: Chpt 16 Posted! Set right after, 'Left Behind,' Kate's POV can she undo the pain she has caused Jack or is it too late for them. Angsty Jate!
1. The Trek Home

Undo

Chapter One

The Trek Home

_Kate's POV set immediately after, 'Left Behind,' can she right things between her and Jack or is too late now. Please kindly read and review. _

When he speaks to me now, when he has to, he avoids my eyes. He does not lock his to mine and hold my gaze as he did before. There is no meaning there, no longing glinting below the surface, there is nothing now except icy detachment and perhaps even disgust. Yes. It's that look of disgust that kills me, I would rather have him not look at me then have him look at me like that and he does his best not to.

I want to tell him everything, all of it, the many foolish things I have done and am ashamed of - all the wrongs I have committed, never to be made right. How do I say it? How do I tell this man that I love him and have him believe me when I say it?

Juliet turns back to me for a second and then looks away. There is a certain triumph in her slanted cat eyes, a small line in her mask like expression.

I stop myself from once again punching her in the face. I breathe and keep walking. Jack walks ahead with her while Sayid and myself take up the rear. Both he and Juliet speak in low tones, hushed whispers, once in awhile she lets out a small chuckle as if he has told her a particularly amusing story, every time, each and every, my heart pangs a little.

Sayid is quiet and I know that he observing Juliet and Jack, curious about them both and not trusting either. I don't trust Juliet myself because her intentions are vague and unclear. Jack's motives are plainly so - he means to wound me, break my heart as I did his. He grazes Juliet's hand ever so often as he use to do mine. It was a sweet, playful gesture of his and now he plays these flirtatious games with someone else. _One of them. _

It is nearing dusk when Sayid stops us all and tells us that we should stop and make camp. Jack nods and Juliet stands quiet off to the side as we lower are bags.

"I'll grab firewood," I say quickly and look to Jack, hoping he offers to join me, he doesn't he just looks away.

"Good idea," he says.

"I'll help," Juliet says, those blue eyes of her trained on my face like search lights.

I meet them and tell her, "No thanks."

"Really, let me help…"

"Fine," I say.

She follows me out into the jungle, I bend down gather dry twigs, she is behind me doing the same.

"Talk to him," she says.

I turn around, look at her.

"About?"

My tone is bitchy and annoyed.

"He still loves you," she says and her tone is quiet.

"You like him, don't you?"

I stare her down and to give her credit, she doesn't back down or look away. She is tough alright. But, then again so am I? I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of one tear, even though I can feel them coming…

"Yes," she tells me, "he's a good man," she adds.

"So, why do you want…"

"Kate, I am not stupid, I have lived before this place and as good as Jack is, he is using me to get to you, hurt you - for you and -"

"Don't!" I tell her somewhat roughly. I know what I did and with who and I don't need her to remind me once again.

"Just stop it okay, its for the best, okay?"

"You love him," she says it plainly, matter of fact.

The tears whelm up and I choke down a sob.

"I don't…"

"Okay," she says.

She turns her back on me and sets about gathering more twigs, with a armful of wood, I make my way back to the others.

Jack and Sayid are in the midst of a heated discussion when I come back. They stop talking and turn to me.

"Where's Juliet?" he barks.

I can feel myself grow red, anger fills me.

I toss the wood in my arms to the ground and give him a scathing look.

"You're the one joined to her hip, you would know better then me."

There is a second, just one, were I see once again something other then hate for me in his eyes, but the moment is gone as Juliet comes out behind from the brush and announces her arrival.

Jack steps past me and goes to her and takes the firewood from her arms.

"I got it," he tells her.

"I'm fine," she says.

I move over to Sayid who is watching them with those intense, probing eyes of his. He is on guard I can tell.

"What was that about?" I whisper to him.

He throws a quick glance and then back to them.

"Later," he says.

Night has fallen, it's late and I lie there with a shirt under my head and a sweater thrown over me for warmth and try to rest. I can't.

My mind is filled - thoughts, feelings, wants, regrets.

I am a bad person. I don't deserve him. I never did.

I hurt everyone I care about - My mother, Tom, my husband, Sawyer, Jack.

But, I love Jack. I don't want to hurt him. I just want him. I do. I do.

I feel someone shake me awake. I roll over thinking it Sayid. It is Jack. Jack notices the silent tears staining my cheeks and there is a soft sigh.

He sits back, looks upset.

I sit up, hug the sweater to myself.

"Everything okay," I ask.

"No, no it's not," he says.


	2. Together but Alone

Chapter 2

Together but Alone

_Thank you so much, all of you for your kind reviews, it has really encouraged me to keep this story going…any comments and suggestions are as always enormously helpful. Thanks for reading…_

The breath catches in my throat, I watch him lower his head. He shakes it, trying to clear his thoughts, gather his words.

I reach towards him, pause and lower my hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry," I begin but the words get caught in my throat and I can't go on.

He sniffles a bit and I realize he is trying not to cry.

"Why?" he says, his voice, the pain in it breaks my heart open. I start to cry, harder, unable to hold back.

"I don't know," I managed to mutter, "I don't know."

He looks up, with eyes wet and shiny in the moonlight.

"You don't know," he snorts bitterly and then quietly adds, "you love him?"

"No," I say, "I don't."

I reach closer try to touch his face, make him look at me, tell him with my eyes that it is him and only him that I want.

Yes, I do care for Sawyer, I empathize with him - I know him as I know myself. We really are twin souls, twin rebels and yes, there is heat between us, lust, attraction but it's not this…it's not this red hot, angry thing eating me from the inside out. It's not this feeling of free falling over a cliff or moving in slow motion underwater. It's not desperation, fear, desire, love.

It's not Jack. It's not him and me and what I want.

I can't say this, can't get the words out. I feel my throat constrict, sobs choking me up.

He catches my hand and in the sweetest gesture rests it against his face, holds it there.

"I don't hate you," he tells me.

I feel my heart swell, contract.

"I just don't think I can get over it…I'm sorry."

He kisses my hand and then lowers it to my side, he reaches over and wipes the tears from my eyes.

"Jack…please…"

"No, Kate…I just had to let you know…how I feel, it's too big a thing - at least for me, I can't let it go…so please just know I don't hate you."

"I'm so sorry," I plead and he nods slowly, starts to get up and I grab his arm and he looks down, pries my hand away.

" I know," he tells me.

He walks away and leaves me in the gloom, alone. I sit there for awhile, my head in my hands and my tears hot and desperate running through my fingers like rivers.

In the morning it is Sayid who wakes me up, I roll over still tasting tears on my lips.   
"We have to go…"

I sit up and run a hand through my tangled hair, look around and see nothing but a smoldering campfire. Jack is gone and so is Juliet.

"Where are they?" I ask.

"Getting some fruit," he says and stands. I get up and start gathering my things.

"You don't trust her, do you?" I say and he looks back at me and nods.

"No, and I do not trust him either."

"Your talking about Jack," I say, "he would never turn his back on us."

"He turned it on you," he replies wearily.

"There's a reason for that," I tell him and when he begins to look at me with a puzzled expression, I look away, feeling a hot flush creep across my face.

My thoughts are on last night. On the things he said, how he could never forgive me, it cuts deep.

"Tell me," Sayid probes gently, he has a way of making you want to open up, tell him things and normally I would but saying it hurts too much and I can't, not yet.

"Trust me," I say simply, "even he has turned against me, he would never turn against us all…"

"He says the others, wanted to kill her, this Juliet woman, that as punishment for going against them, for helping you and Sawyer escape they branded her."

"She did help us escape," I tell him and he nods, looks thoughtful.

"But, what if this is a ruse, what if - they planted her here for a reason…"

"I know," I tell him. I have thought as much, considering she told me she had handcuffed herself to me on purpose. Things didn't quite add up with Juliet and I knew this but I didn't want Sayid to be mistrustful of Jack, Jack was a good person, like Tom had been, unselfish, giving, he would never have joined them, not after the things they had done to us - all of us.

He simply believed that Juliet had been wronged, mistreated and that she had nowhere else to turn and maybe she didn't - maybe she wanted to be free of them.

"I will keep my eye on them," Sayid says and there is movement out in the jungle, they are back.

Jack sees me and stops for a moment, looks away and then looks back.

He tries to keep things normal and bright as he comes up to me and hands me some papaya.

"Morning," he says.

"Good Morning," I tell him and Juliet is standing off to his side. There is a curious expression on her face, is she jealous, maybe? If so then why did she want me to talk to Jack, why did she tell me that he still loved me.

"Hi," I say to her, keep things normal, even.

"Hello," she says softly.

"Would I be able to walk with you today?" Sayid asks her and uses that voice of his, the one seeped in politeness, that cannot be refused.

A quick look of nervousness moves across Juliet's expression and then is gone but if I noticed then so has Sayid.

"Why?"

"I just would like to know you better," he adds.

Jack turns to the both of them and he knows what Sayid is up to and he doesn't like it. He shakes his head and steps between them.

"Cut it out," he tells Sayid roughly.

"Excuse me," Sayid says in a curious tone.

Juliet grabs Jack's arm and looks to Sayid.

"It's fine," she says, "I can't promise you my life story," she tells Sayid.

"Of course not," he adds, there is a slight sarcastic twinge to his voice.

I watch from the side - feeling as if I am watching from somewhere else. I see there faces, Juliet's ever so guarded, Jack's angered and Sayid curious.

I watch them all as if they are other people, people I do not know. The man I love, my friend and the woman whose motives are shrouded in veils of secrecy.

We all seem like strangers or children for that matter, fueled by jealousy and mistrust and most of all - fear. Each and everyone of us, fears the others.

We are divided.

We are though together, completely alone.


	3. No Better

Chapter 3

No Better

_Whew! These chapters are just rushing out of me…I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I am enjoying writing it. Thanks for reading and as always reviews make me happy, thanks!_

We have not been walking long, maybe a half an hour, and though Jack walks beside me, we don't speak.

I want to turn back and see what Sayid and Juliet are up to but I don't. I can hear them speaking but no actual words, there voices are hushed, whispered. They are a good ways back.

I look over at Jack, catch his profile, he sees me looking and turns to me. I look away, embarrassed.

"What is it, Kate?"

"Nothing," I say and keep walking, move a bit ahead of him.

I can feel the unspoken between us. I realize that not alone have I lost his heart , I have also lost him as him a friend, a confident, somehow that realization hurts worse. I never realized before how much I depended on him, needed him.

Once again, my thoughts turn dark and ugly. I hate myself. I hate what I have done and cannot make right. Here he stands, I think, the one I love and I cannot reach him. I cannot make him see that I care.

He follows behind me and we walk some more, the unsaid growing a rift wider between us.

The silence is killing me. I can't take it.

"I didn't know you were married," I tell him and I throw a look over my shoulder, see I have shocked him. He quickens his pace, takes my arm.

"How did you know that?"

"How do you think?" I counter, feeling his fingers dig into my skin, feel the strength of him and god help me! I am aroused, turned on by the fierceness of his anger. I yank my arm away and keep walking.

"She told you that?" He questions, following me.

"Yeah, among other things," I stop for a second, look at him.

"What happened, why did you get divorced?"

I see him smile, a cynical one.

"She cheated on me," he says and I look away embarrassed.

"She left me for someone else, crushed me…she broke my heart."

"I'm sorry," I say but it sounds weak, hollow.

I feel so small then, a shell of a person, a woman. No wonder he can never forgive me, his own wife had hurt him as well, slept with another man, why would he even begin to want to trust, love yet another woman who would wound him so terribly? It all makes sense now. All of it.

"Yeah, well Sara and I - it was complicated, we weren't right for each other."

I turn and keep walking and he follows me.

"I can't believe she told you that," he says.

"She had her reasons," I add and indeed she had. Maybe she knew why Jack had divorced his wife, maybe she wanted me to ask Jack, so I would know, know why he would never forgive me, why he couldn't bring himself to? It made sense. That bitch was playing me, playing me like a fiddle. That bull about her wanting me to talk to Jack - that she knew he was using her. It was lies, an elaborate front, she wanted me to talk to Jack so I could stick my foot in my mouth deeper, say something else that would cut into his heart just a little bit more so she could worm her slimy way in. I was literally shaking with rage, deep breathing so I could collect myself and not turn heel and march over to were she and Sayid were and dislocate her other shoulder. I hated her and her beautiful classy blonde good looks, those pretty eyes of hers, her voice. If I had wanted to punch her in the mouth before it was nothing like the rage I had for her now. It was a red hot burning thing which literally made me shake with anger.

Jack must have noticed the change in me, he had always been good at reading my mind, one of the reasons why we had bonded so much in the beginning. It had been nice to be with someone who could read me emotionally without me having to say a word.

"Kate, what is it?"

"It's nothing," I seethed, stepping up my pace. I just wanted to get back to the beach, find some place quiet to lay low for awhile. Away from everyone - from Jack, from Sawyer but most of all, from the past. A past, I had spent so many years running from and had never escaped.

"Your angry, why?"

"Because - because your girlfriend is a conniving…"

He stopped me, took my shoulders.

"Whoa! Hold up - first of all, she is not my girlfriend and second what in the hell are you talking about?"  
"She told me that on purpose, she wanted me to humiliate myself…remind you that I was no better then your wife…Sara."

Jack released me and looked at my face, stunned.

"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" I whispered, tears of anger blurring my vision, I could feel my hands shaking with the rage and frustration that I felt and could not control.

I waited for him to speak, agree.

Yet, he was quiet, thoughtful and then he looked at me, for the first time in a long time and those dark eyes of his, I saw compassion, care, love.

"No, I don't think you are crazy Kate, I think you might be right," he said.

_Okay realize that one was a little short but I am working on building the suspense, yep, something like a nice little showdown between Juliet and Kate is brewing…thanks again for reading…_


	4. Not Without Him

Chapter 4

Not Without Him

_Thank you all so much for all the fantastic reviews, I really appreciate them, thanks again for reading! _

"I am going to strangle her," I hiss and turn to go after her but Jack holds my arm tightly.

"Wait, slow down Kate…"

"She- wants this don't you get it, don't you see - they wanted this, all of them…they wanted to drive us apart…"

"You did that Kate," he says.

I shake his hand off me.

"You don't understand do you? They were going to kill him, and - I wanted to comfort him, let him go out thinking someone cared…someone, just once in his whole miserable life, because he's my friend and I care about him…don't you see that? Or do you only see what you want to see - your own self pity! Well, your not the only one who has suffered Jack…you…"

He stops me by grabbing my face between the palms of his rough hands, he rests his head against mine and I can feel his warm breath on my face.

"Is that true, Kate?" He whispers to me and I can hear the desperation in his voice, the need to believe me. I want him to believe me more then I have ever wanted anything. I want him to see me, really see me and know who it is that I am.

I think he realizes the truth, senses that what I did, I did not do out of lustful gratification or to wound him to the core but to show someone, anyone who I really am. That I can care, that I can love…

"Yes, yes it is…Jack, I love you, I love you…I would never have told you, never…because it didn't mean anything to me, I did it - because he was suppose to die…"

He pulls back and searches my eyes.

"You love me?" He asks, his voice small, unsure.

"Yes, yes I love you…I love you."

He reaches for me again, I feel his arms on me, drawing me to him. I give myself up to it, to the moment, the sensation, he moves his lips towards mine. I reach up and pull him to me, eager to kiss him, feel him.

"Excuse us," it is Juliet. Sayid is beside her, he looks embarrassed and surprised but doesn't say anything, it's not him that concerns me it is Juliet, her expression is like a block of ice, cold.

Jack untangles his arms from around my waist and looks to her and he sees that her eyes are not hurt but full of anger.

_You didn't win this round_

I think to myself.

"I guess it doesn't take much to get back in your good graces," she spats out bitterly.

"You have some nerve…" I start, I advance on her and she faces me, hand on hip. This time we have both hands at are disposal and from the look in those ice chip blue eyes of her, she is fully prepare to kill me with both of them.

Jack sensing the fight about to go down, pulls me back by my arm.

"It's not any of your business," he tells Juliet and I hear my old Jack in his voice.

"No," she mutters coolly as she answers him, all while those eyes of hers refuse to leave my face, to back down.

"It's not…" she adds and then turns and starts heading back, to the others camp, alone.

We all stand there for a moment, watching her retreating figure.

Then Jack moves past me and starts to go after Juliet, it is not me who stops him but Sayid.

"Let her go," he says and Jack turns on him.

"It's dangerous out there … I am not leaving her behind to get killed."

"She is still one of them Jack," Sayid says and I shiver at the sound of that. Jack sighs and shakes his head.

"No, I don't think she is - her motives are not as sinister as you imagine, she is only jealous."

"Maybe," Sayid says but as he says it, I myself can tell that he does not really believe it.

"Maybe, maybe not," Jack says, "but, I am not leaving her alone, you have a problem with that, will deal with it later."

"Let him go, Sayid," I say and Sayid steps aside.

"We will wait here," he says.

"Fine," Jack says and then he turns to me as if unsure, he takes a step towards me but I wave him away.

"Go," I tell him and I can tell there is more he wants to say to me, tell me but we both no this is not the time.

"I'll be back," he says and I nod.

Sayid and I watch him disappear into the brush, we hear him calling Juliet's name.

"I need you to tell me what happened," Sayid says, and I look to him, he is watching me closely.

"What do you mean?"

"All of it - what is going on between the three of you."

"It's nothing…"

"Kate, why are you lying to me? Keeping me in the dark like this?"

"Because…it's complicated…"

"I'm not stupid, Kate…"

I open my mouth to say something, tell him that I can't, not now anyway when emotions are on edge and so many things are left unsaid.

I wouldn't know were to begin.

It is then that I hear it, we both do - the undeniable noise of something thundering through the jungle, loud, terrifying.

_The smoke monster_

Sayid is at my side in an instant.

"Is that?"

"It's - it's…"

"What?" He shouts as the sounds grows in intensity, crashing trees off in the distance, where Jack had gone. A cold fear laces its way across my chest, freezes me there. I start to move, go towards the noise, Jack…

Sayid grabs me by the waist literally hauling me off my feet and back but I persist, fight him.

"We have to run, Kate…we have to move…"

"No!…not without him…let me go …"

My struggles are in vain, Sayid is too strong and he pulls me back, half dragging, half carrying me back from the sound, that horrible sound.

"Please…no…please…Jack…"

"Kate, move…move!"

"We have to help him, we have to -"

Sayid tightens his grip on me and pulls me along.

"That is exactly what I am doing," he tells me and I realize that he is keeping me safe, because he knows it is what Jack would want, Jack would want me to run as far away as possible, even if it meant leaving him behind.

Sayid pulls me on and we barricade ourselves in a cluster of trees. I sink down to my knees, sobbing as the sound grows louder and louder, moving closer to where we hide, crouched down in the thicket.

All I can think is, "Please God, please…"

And hope someone up there hears me.


	5. Desperation

Chapter Five

Desperation

_Hi everyone, thanks for your patience with this new chapter. The website was being testy all week and not letting me post anything new - my apologies, and once again - thank you all for such awesome reviews, they really keep me inspired with this one - thanks again!_

I don't know how long Sayid and I have hid there

before the sound moves off into the jungle, growing

fainter and fainter as the moments pass. I am shaking,

consumed with fear and crying silent tears as I pray

that Jack is safe. Pray that whatever the hell that

thing is has spared him, I couldn't bear it if I lost

him. The thought itself is more then I can take.

"I think it's gone," Sayid whispers rising to his

feet. He steps in front of me and peers out, turns to

me and nods.

"Come on," he says and I reach up, take his hand and

allow him to pull me up.

He sees my tears, the fear in my eyes and asks if I am

ok.

I nod and step out with him. There are no sounds now,

no crashing trees, everything is calm, peaceful.

It has begun to rain, a slow steady drizzle. "We have

to find Jack," I tell him and Sayid tells me that the

best thing we should do is go back to the spot were

Jack said he would be and wait for him. I would have

normally agreed but all I can imagine, see is the

pilot that first day. His torn, bloody remains

scattered across tree branches and think:

Please god, not him - not Jack…please.

"I am going after him, you can come if you want," I

tell him in what I hope is a tough, no nonsense voice

and Sayid must realize, sense that he won't be able to

talk me out of this one.

"Okay," he says.

I start walking, fast, quickening my pace with each

step, each step I think, I am getting closer, closer

to him.

I break into a steady jog, search every inch my eyes

fall upon with hungry, probing eyes.

Please…god…please…

We pass the clearing where he said he would be and he

is not there, my heart sinks into the pit of my

stomach, frantic now, I stand there and call for him.

There is nothing, silence. It is so quiet, eerie even.

"Jack! Jack!" I shout cupping my hands over my mouth,

trying to amplify my shouts, of which are now growing

more and more shrill, desperate as all that welcomes

me is the strange silence around us.

Sayid takes me by the arm, as if to comfort me but I

shove him off and plow straight through to where he

had gone, running now with Sayid racing beside me,

branches scratch at my face, tear at my clothes, I do

not feel it. I feel nothing but this sick feeling in

my gut.

"Jack! Jack!" I call and then I hear it, him.

"Kate! Stay where you are…I hear you!"

I skid to a halt with Sayid pulling up beside me,

relief washes over me like waves.

"Jack! I'm here…" I call and then I see him coming

towards me, when he sees me, he breaks into a full run

and I race up to meet him and as we meet, he swings me

up into his arms, lifting me off the ground.

"Oh thank god! Thank god!"

He mummers this over and over as he holds me and I

hang on tight to him, tears of relief prick my eyes

and I feel so delirious with happiness, I laugh. He

laughs with me and then sets me down on my feet.

"I was so worried," he says and I nod, "me too."

"Your face," he says as he cups my chin in his hand,

surveys a scratch on my cheek, from a tree branch.

"It's nothing…I'm fine…"

"I am so glad your okay," he says and then he turns to

Sayid.

"You alright?"

Sayid nods, "I am fine, did you see it?"

"No," Jack says, " I heard it though…is Juliet, have

you seen her?"

We shake are heads.

"She's still out there," he says somberly.

He looks at me and then looks to Sayid.

"I want you to take Kate back to the beach, I'll find

you…"

Sayid nods and I look to both of them and shake my

head.

" I am not going anywhere without you," I tell him.

"It's too dangerous with that thing - I am not risking

your life, Kate."

"It's not open for debate," I tell him, " I am coming

with you."

Jack sees that there is no changing my mind, not about

this.

"I guess that means you are coming to," Jack says to

Sayid.

"Of course," Sayid responds.

I turn my gaze back to Jack and he is looking at me

with the strangest expression, one of love,

tenderness, compassion and I think, has he forgiven

me? Could he still love me? Is there still a chance

for us?

And all I can do is look back at him and hope he can

read my eyes, see the sincerity in them and know the

depth of all I feel for him.

"Then we better go," Jack says. I start to hoist my

backpack across my shoulders but Jack stops me,

reaches for it.

"I got that," he says and he smiles, I smile back.

"Thanks," I say and he nods, "Your welcome," he tells

me.

It's nice to see him smile again, see the Jack I know

looking at me with something other then disgust,

loathing, it's nice to have him look at me at all.

I love you, I love you

It's such an intense feeling, I have loved before -

Tom, my husband but I could walk away from them, leave

them when it came down to it but with Jack, the

thought of never seeing him again, not having him near

is the most awesome emotion I have ever experienced,

it consumes me…

It's beautiful and it hurts…it hurts and it makes me

stop and catch my breath, sends me careening over the

edge of an uncertain abyss and I know, know in my

heart, way down deep - that he is the only one. The

only man I have ever truly loved…and I want him more

then I have ever wanted anything.

_Sorry for the short chapter, you guys have been so_

_great with all the reviews that I wanted to hurry and_

_get this chapter out for you all. _

_I also know that there is a nice, steamy little scene_

_in the works for our hero and his heroine, all I need_

_is to get Sayid to take a walk - ha ha …will see where_

_I can send him off too…thanks again for reading…_


	6. Back To Square One

Chapter 6

Back to Square One

_I decided to move this story on to the beach to kind of speed up the plot just a wee bit. Also, bringing Sawyer into the angst mix never hurt any Jate fic as far as I am concerned, and for those of you (myself included) just aching for Kate to beat the every lovin' crap out of Juliet, fear not - she isn't gone for good…. Also, there will be some steamy Jateness but not until a later chapter…as always reviews tinkle me pink, leave one. Thanks!_

"Jack, how far do you think she could have gotten?" I asked as we walked onwards, me beside him with Sayid pulling up the rear.

"Pretty far," he said and then he paused and looked at me, "if she's lost, she could be going around in circles, walking right past us…"

"I think you should consider the option of not going back for her at all," Sayid said quietly from behind us.

We both turned, I fully agreed with Sayid but kept quiet while Jack shot him a scathing look.

"You want us to turn around and leave a woman out here alone with that thing running around…"

"Yes," Sayid said quietly.

Jack turned to me and I could tell he was waiting for me to offer my opinion on the matter. I looked to both of them – both gazes intense and demanding, I swallowed hard and said, "I think we should go back…"

"Why? Are you anxious to get back to someone, Kate?"

I recoiled from the anger of his words as if he had slapped me in the face; I blushed hard and knew exactly what he meant or better yet who. He hadn't forgiven anything, I could see that.

"Yes, everyone – are friends, is she more important then them, Jack?" I countered as we both stood for a moment and glared at one another.

"Our people need a doctor, Jack…" Sayid said, breaking the intense stare down between us. "You getting yourself killed for one of them is the very last thing those people down on the beach need to hear…"

Jack shook his head a moment, took a deep breath and then nodded.

"Fine," he said, and his gaze when it brushed across my face was cold, "will go back now but I am coming back for her."

"Alright," Sayid said as we started heading back towards our camp. I turned and looked to Jack who caught my gaze. I went to speak but he shook his head as if angry with me and moved past me, trailing behind Sayid.

_How could you have screwed this up again so soon Austin_, I thought to myself as I trudged along behind them.

It took us six hours to get back to the beach by then the rift between Jack and myself had grown an oceans length, we were barely on speaking terms and I was at loss as to what I could do to repair things. I thought that my honesty earlier had given us both the chance to start healing but I was wrong. I could see now that his feelings were still hurt and though he wanted to trust me, let it go, he couldn't bring himself too.

I was slowly coming to the realization that maybe he never would.

When we stepped onto the beach just before sundown, a murmur went up as we were spotted, people started running up to us, with hugs and hellos. They all seemed so pleased to have Jack back, relieved.

He was their rock, their savior and they looked to him with the utmost respect and trust.

I saw Sawyer hovering in the background, eying me warily. He smiled as we made eye contact and I stepped towards him. We hugged.

"Good God, am I happy to see you, freckles."

"I am happy to see you too," I said and that was true. I really liked Sawyer. I knew now that beneath the snide remarks, the careful veneer of cool, there was an honest to god human being in there, one who cared for me a great deal. I cared for him too, the problem was I wasn't in love with him and seemed to think that I was.

I turned back and caught Jack's eye as he straightened up from greeting Claire and Aaron. He quickly lowered his head back down.

I turned back to Sawyer who was walking towards Jack.

"Good to see you again, doc."

He held out his hand and for a moment it seemed as if Jack was going to ignore him but instead he took Sawyers hand and shook it.

"Good to see you, Sawyer," he replied.

His gaze drifted over to me and as are eyes met, I could see only raw pain in his and my whole body felt bolted to the sand below me, I wanted more then anything in that moment to erase everyone around us and leave only me and the man I loved alone here on this beach. If it was just us and we were alone, we could learn to rewrite the past, we would be able to love once more, fully and completely.

The moment was broken when he turned his gaze from me in order to give Rose a welcoming hug.

"Doc, seems a bit on edge," Sawyer said whispering it into my ear.

"That's putting it mildly," I replied.


	7. You Have To Want It

Chapter 7

You Have To Want It

_Yeah, I am on a roll with this one - so expect new chapters soon…as always reviews make me oh so happy…enjoy!_

Night had fallen and I was sitting alone by the water, staring at nothing, thinking more then I should.

I was getting cold but I didn't move, I couldn't bring myself too. My thoughts were lonely ones.

"You wanna scoot over there, freckles?"

I turned at the sound of Sawyers voice as he trotted up to me. I sighed as he sat beside me, leaned back on his elbows. I didn't look at him but could feel his gaze on my profile.

"Who'd I kill here…that got you so mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you," I said in a soft voice.

I felt his hand on mine. His voice was kinder when he spoke again.

"You still got guilty thoughts?"

I bowed my head, nodded, could feel the tears coming. I was glad that it was dark and in the light of various campfires he could just about make out my face. I sniffled.

"You crying?"

He seemed puzzled, concerned, the grip on my hand tightened.

"Just leave me alone," I whispered, a knot in my throat as I tried to compose myself.

"It's the doctor, ain't it?"

There was the sound of defeat, weariness in his voice.

I couldn't speak, couldn't get the words out, I tried and all that came out was a choked sob, that I stuffed my fist into to stop.

He slid his hand away from mine.

"I see - so what was it to you, freckles, huh - a pity lay?"

The bitterness in his voice hurt. I didn't want to hurt him either. This was so messed up and there was nothing I could do to make things right.

"Please - Sawyer, I…"

He got up abruptly, and glanced down at me.

His eyes were a harsh blue in the meager light, pain etched in his face.

"Save it…"

He turned and hurried away from me, swinging his hands by his side, clenched into fists.

He was heading right for Jack.

I jumped to my feet as Sawyer walked over to Jack who was standing with Hurley and Charlie.

Claire sat near by with baby Aaron.

I raced over as Sawyer stepped over Claire who looked surprised and grabbed Jack by the shoulder, spinning him around.

"Sawyer…"

Jack didn't get a chance to say anything else as Sawyer hauled off and hit him, square in the jaw. Jack stumbled back, nearly falling into the fire pit that Charlie had dug for Claire.

I was running towards them when Jack came back up and hurled Sawyer to the ground.

The fight was on as I came up upon the scene before me.

"Stop it," I shouted as Hurly tried to pry Sawyer off Jack.

"What the bloody hell…" I heard Charlie mummer as Jin and Sayid raced forward and with Hurly pulled Jack up and on his feet.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Jack shouted at Sawyer, who stood and with a cocky assurance, spat out a mouthful of blood and eyed Jack with a look of pure hatred.

"You want her, huh…?"

He shouted advancing on Jack. Jin put himself between Sawyer and Jack.

"You want her…well, then…you go on…"

"This is about Kate?" Jack shouted back almost surprised.

"You know any other her?" Sawyer spat back.

"Caught it out, Sawyer," I said.

Everyone turned and looked at me as I approached.

"Stay the hell out of this…" Sawyer said, pointing a finger at me, "This is between me and your hero boyfriend."

"This is not between anyone, just calm down."

"Calm down, he got you over their crying your eyes out, hurting you - and you want me to calm down, well hell, freckles ain't that a kick in the pants," he drawled.

Jack shoved Sayid off him and turned and started walking away from us all.

"The hell with this," he muttered as he started away.

"What you ain't man enough to fight for what you want?" Sawyer taunted to a retreating Jack.

Jack stopped and for a second, I thought he was going to come after Sawyer, I could see the way his shoulders stiffened at the sound of Sawyers words.

He turned around slowly and when he spoke, he addressed me not Sawyer.

"You have to actually want it first," he said, "and I don't."

_Yep, a little fist fight to spice things up…don't worry Jack wants it alright, you'll see…_


	8. Lying Through His Teeth

Chapter 8

Lying Through His Teeth

_I really like this chapter, don't worry you'll see why….as always comments and suggestions make me oh so happy…Thanks again._

"That was low," I said turning on Sawyer in a blind fury, "even for you!"

I slapped him as hard as I could across the face. Whack! He seemed stunned that I had hit him and for a second, his eyes were twin pools of sadness and then his eyes clouded over dark and mean.

"You breaking up with me, freckles?" He responded with his trademark smirk.

"Drop dead!," I shouted, furious with him and his snide remarks.

I turned and stomped away with Claire trailing behind me.

"You alright?" She asked, as I hurried away from the horrid scene that had just happened and in front of Claire's baby no less. What the hell was with Sawyer anyway? Stomping over there like he had some claim on me, like he owned me. I was shaking with anger at his brazen act of masculine ownership.

"Men, I swear to God…"

"I know," Claire said as she hurried to keep up with my pace, the baby still cradled in her arms.

I stopped for a second, realizing that she was all but running to keep up with me.

"I am sorry Claire, I mean with the baby and all…"

"It's alright," she said sweetly, "It's not your fault…I mean I am sure this isn't the first time men have fought over you."

I smiled, I liked Claire, she was a very sweet, good natured person, our camps resident earth mother.

"No," I said, "but unlike some girls I hate it…makes me mad, as if I was some prize to be won."

"True," Claire said and then she turned and plopped herself down on the sand, shushing a now awake and fussy Aaron. I sat down next to her, still angry but calmer now.

"He was lying you know," she added as I sat down next to her.

"Who?"

"Jack, when he said he didn't want you, he was lying through his teeth."

In the morning, I was getting my boots on when Sayid came up to me.

"He's going out there for her," he said, "alone."

I turned and looked to see Jack striding up the beach with a back pack strung across his strong, broad shoulders, his steps long and purposeful.

"What do you want me to do?" I said turning my attention back on Sayid.

"Stop him," he said, "my gut instinct says something is not right with this Juliet woman, and my instinct is rarely wrong."

I nodded, trusting Sayid's judgment.

"I don't think I could do anything to stop him…"

"Just try," he pleaded.

I nodded though the thought of talking to Jack after what had happened last night made me weary. I didn't want to hear that roughness in his voice or see the distance in his eyes. It was too painful.

"Thank you," he said, lying a hand on my shoulder as he moved off.

I bent down and tied up my laces and then jogged up to where Jack had gone. I found him in the jungle, taking the path we had come.

"Hey, hold up," I said.

He turned around slowly and looked at me, none to pleased to see me standing there before him.

'What the hell are you doing here, Kate?"

"Trying to talk some sense into you."

He snorted and smiled at me but it was without warmth. I noticed that his left cheek was bruised purple, were Sawyer had hit him.

"Just go back," he told me.

"No," I said, allowing an edge of stubbornness to creep into my voice.

He advanced on me, angry now.

"I said go back," he repeated stressing every word.

"No," I said again, meeting those burning black eyes of his.

"Goddamn it, Kate."

"Jack, what are you doing, what are you trying to prove?" I asked, reaching out and grabbing him by the front of his tee shirt.

"Just leave me alone, Kate - seeing you, hearing you, I - can't…"

He pulled himself away from me and turned, his shoulders sagging.

"Can't… what?" I asked, my throat thick with tears.

I reached over, rested my hand on his back. He was shaking.

"Why, Jack…just tell me why?"

He pulled away from me suddenly and then whirling on me, he turned and seized my face between the palms of his hands, his lips inches from mine and the feel of him, the heat between us left me shaken and weak.

"I can't love you, it hurts too goddamn much," he whispered into my mouth.

"I know," I whispered back as he brushed his lips against mine.

"Please Kate, I -please just go…"

"No," I told him, holding onto his hands, drawing him closer, "never again."

And then he was kissing me so deeply, so totally, I felt as if he was eating me whole. His mouth was hot and desperate and determined. His hands slid down my waist and pulled me totally against him, to the hardness of him. I kissed back eagerly, desperate to take as much of him as I could.

"Oh god, oh god…" he murmured into my mouth as he kissed me.

"Jack…I love you," I told him, unable to stop the tears that streaked down my face and then he was pulling back, away from me, his breathing hard and heavy.

"Kate…I want you, I do but…"

"I know," I said sadly as we looked at one another, the weight of the world resting between are shoulders.

"Jack!"

We both turned at the sound of her voice, I stiffened as I saw a dirty but alive Juliet stumble out of the jungle. Her clothes were filthy and torn and their was blood on her shirt, she stumbled weakly towards Jack who ran to catch her as she collapsed in a deaden heap in his arms.

_Yep, the bitch is back lol… right in time to put a bit of a wedge between are lovely couple…thanks again for reading!_


	9. A Sense of Unease

Sorry for the delay in posting, I am currently working on another Lost fic in addition to this one, so I will be alternating my postings between this one and the other - for those of you who enjoy darker, mature themed stories, the other one is entitled, "Running to Stand Still," I am really proud of it, so please check it out if you feel so inclined. Thanks for reading…

Chapter 9

A Sense of Unease

I raced behind Jack, trying to keep up as he carried an unconscious Juliet in his arms and raced her back towards the beach.

"Is she going to be okay?" I asked him, he didn't look at me.

"I don't know," he replied.

People looked up from their early morning activities as Jack raced Juliet back to his tent and laid her down on his bedding, by the time he had managed to rip open her shirt and find the source of the blood stain, a particularly nasty scratch, a crowd had started to form.

"Get back, everyone!" Jack all but shouted at them and most of them listened and began dispersing, talking amongst themselves. Sawyer took one look at Jack's new patient and shot us both a withering glare.

"Ain't she one of them?" he sneered. "

She's no one you need to concern yourself with," Jack said an edge of anger in his voice, looking up at Sawyer with a hard stare.

"Yeah, well when she wakes up long enough to stick a knife in your heart, don't come crying to me," he answered, with his trademark sarcastic sneer.

"Don't worry, I won't," Jack whispered to himself as Sawyer sauntered away.

"There going to want some answers," I told him.

He looked up long enough to answer me, "I know," he said in a voice full of weariness.

He reached for the first aide kit and some rubbing alcohol and started cleaning Juliet wound.

Juliet moaned at the first splash of antiseptic, her eye lids fluttered.

"Get me some water, will you?"

I nodded and reached down into my back pack and pulled out a bottle for him, handed it over.

"Can you give us some space?"

I tried not show him my disappointment over the fact that he is all but ordering me away.

I nodded and gave him a sweet smile, one I can barely muster.

"Sure thing," I said softly.

"Thanks, I'll come find you in a bit."

I nodded and stepped back, watched as he cradled Juliet head in his arms, and gently tried to get her to swallow some water.

He looked up, saw that I was still there.

"Later," I said.

"Later," he replied.

I left him with Juliet and started heading back to my shelter to wait things out. I had so much going on in my head, my thoughts on the kiss we had shared, the thought of which made me feel weak and dizzy, but also I thought of Juliet and the way in which Jack had held her, fussed over her. Was it simple doctor like concern for a patient or was there more to it? Did he have feelings for her?

"Hey Kate, hold on a second."

It was Charlie and Claire.

"Is she an other?"

This is from Charlie.

"Yeah," I answered, there was no point lying, everyone was going to know eventually anyway and besides I consider both Charlie and Claire to be my friends and I decided long ago that I wasn't going to lie to people that I care about anymore.

"What's she doing here then?"

"She came back with Jack, only she got separated from us, she's hurt," I tell them, pushing a sweaty lock of hair off my face.

"Oh," Charlie says and I can see he is even more confused now.

"Just leave it alone for now, Charlie," Claire says in that gentle way of hers as she turns to me and gives me a sunny smile.

"Yeah, sure," he says somewhat absently.

They move off and leave me staring after them as they walk away, Charlie looks back and sees me looking, shakes his head and continues on his way.

It seems I was right about the camps feelings towards Juliet. I can see now that people are watching me, shyly and out of the corners of their eyes, whispering amongst themselves and I wonder as I wondered before, why Jack would risk everyone's would be wrath for one of them. A woman who held a gun to my head, who kept us locked up in cages, who forced Sawyer and I to break rocks. Why is he doing this? Why does he care? Where am I in all of this?

I shake my head, willing away the sense of foreboding that fills me, causing me to shiver even as I stand there and bake in the hot, unforgivable sun.

Something isn't right, I realize… and it's not Juliet who fills my thoughts now with doubt and unease. It is someone I could never have imagined, never wanted to doubt…but, it is Jack that causes this panic that has overcome me now.

Something is wrong and I cannot put my finger on it. Truth, is to I don't believe I want to…


	10. Hard Truths

Chapter 10

Hard Truths

_Thanks so much for your reviews, especially Tahti, who I am a huge fan of - her great review really made my day and really kept me focused on this story. If there is anyone on this site who hasn't read her stuff… do so now … she really knows how to do angst and smut and make both incredibly real and wonderful…as always use the little button below to make it all worth it. Thanks!_

It was later in the day when Jack finally found me, I was standing by the edge of the water, staring out into miles and miles of clear, green ocean.

My thoughts sad, lonely ones.

"Hey, there you are," he said, striding up to my side.

I turned to look at him. He looked tired, worn out.

He seemed older then he had mere weeks ago, aged, but still one of the best looking guys I had ever seen. It pained me to see him so beat down and weary.

I smiled as he approached.

"You alright?" I asked.

"Me, yeah, I'm fine…"

"How's Juliet?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even, uncommitted.

"She's sleeping now, she'll be fine - she was just dehydrated, banged up a bit."

"That's good," I murmured as I turned away from him and stared down at my bare feet, watched as they sank into the sand.

"The old sand trick," he said and I could hear rather then see his smile.

I nodded, "Yep," I replied.

There was silence then, the uncomfortable kind as the weight of my minds troubles filled the space between us with tension.

"What is it Kate?"

I felt him take my arm and I turned and met his eyes, saw them filled with compassion.

"I don't know, I -"

"What, just talk to me, Kate," he encouraged.

"Why do you trust her?" I finally managed to ask.

He released my arm and stepped back, I thought he would leave angry with me but instead he bent his head, shook it, and then he slowly raised his eyes to mine.

"It's complicated." he said after a moment.

"Complicated?"

"Yeah, it's…"

I studied his expression trying to place his look, was it guilt?

"What is it, Jack…please just tell me, everyone is on edge…?"

"You don't understand, she's not a bad person, she's been hurt…"

I tried not to let the kind way in which he spoke of her get to me, fill me slowly but surely with unwanted jealousy and yet, I had to know - had to know why she was here and why Jack had brought her. The others were not going to wait around for answers. They would eventually, sooner then later want to know why one of them was being allowed into our camp. Why Jack was allowing this after all that the others had put us through.

"I just want the truth, Jack," I said and I reached for his hand, hoping he would open up to me, tell me what it was that he seemed almost afraid to tell me. He let me hold it but he wouldn't look at me.

"It's - I - I - slept with her," it came out in a rush, one that took me a moment to process and when it did, I released his hand, shocked.

"You - you slept with her?"

My voice came out like someone else's, someone's I didn't recognize. One that was whiny in tone, the voice of a woman wronged.

"I did," he said.

"Oh," it wasn't a word, it was a sound as if someone was letting the air out of me, deflating me into miniature.

I didn't know what to say. I hadn't any right to pass judgment, to be angry with him - jealous but still a part of me wanted to slap his face, slap hers. I wanted to cry and scream and throw something but most of all I wanted to run away, to anyplace, anywhere were I wouldn't have to deal with the enormity of what he had just told me.

"It just happened, I was alone…I couldn't - I couldn't get you and him out of my head and -"

"Stop," I said, holding up my hand, "please, you don't…"

He reached for me, pulled me into his arms and I struggled a moment but relented as he rested his forehead against my own, his hands in my hair.

He had tears in his eyes when he looked at me.

"Your not the only one who screwed up Kate," he said.

"Yeah, no kidding," I replied, somewhat bitterly.

"It just happened," he pleaded.

"Do you - do you have feelings for her?"

He pulled back slightly and wiped at my tears.

When he spoke again, his voice was choked up.

"I don't know," he said and that hurt.

I hadn't expected that, I had expected him to tell me it was all a mistake, something he would regret for the rest of his life, that it was me he wanted. I wanted to hear him say it and yet, here he was telling me that he cared for her.

I pulled away from him.

"You let me - let me grovel, beg for your forgiveness and all this time - you and her…"

"It's not like that, Kate," he all but begged, stepping towards me but I warded him off, feeling like a prized fool. I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me, making me weak all over again.

"Yes, it is," I said breathing fire, "Just - forget it Jack, you and I…it's not going to happen and it's my fault," I started crying, sobs choking me. I put my head in my hands and let them come.

"You asked me why I trust her," he started and I looked up, saw the desperation on his face, the need to explain.

"I trust her because she's different…"

"Different from what?"

"You, Kate…"

Those words were hard to take, they hit their mark and brought more tears, more pain.

I did not want to look at him anymore, watch him change from the man I thought I knew, thought I understood to this complete stranger who caused me nothing but hurt, nothing but fresh pain.

I turned and did what I did best, I ran away.


	11. Moment of Weakness

_Yeah, Kate's a bit of an impulsive, idiot in the chapter - so please forgive me and her for it in advance, just had to up the angst factor a bit on this one…enjoy!_

Chapter 11

Moment of Weakness

I had gone back to my tent and laid there for a moment, trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts whirling about in my head. I was so miserable, heart broken. This is why I don't fall in love, I told myself because all it does is hurt, all it does is leave you alone in the end with nothing but memory for comfort.

I couldn't rest, all this thinking had resulted in a splitting headache. It felt as if my head was coming apart at the seams, it finally got so bad that I did the last thing I felt like doing at the moment, I went to Sawyer.

He was sitting outside his tent, paging through a book. He looked up when he saw me approaching, smiled but as I came closer and he took in the redness of my eyes and the grimace of pain on my face, his smile wilted.

"Christ, Freckles…what the hell happened to you?"

"I'm fine," I said, a pause, "got some aspirin?"

"How bout' you give me the truth first?"

"How about not," I said, not in the mood to deal with him or his crap.

"You and Jack have a fight?"

I stiffened visibly at his words, Damn him for being able to read me so well.

"I don't want to talk about it," I hedged, "I have a splitting headache and I need something so are you going to give it to me or not?"

"Yeah, sure…keep me in the dark, not like we aren't friends or something."

I saw the mark my rejection had left on his face as he stood and went into his tent, when he came back out; he tossed me a bottle of pain medicine.

"Look, I guess I was out of line there, Freckles, but truth is I hate what you let him do to you…"

"It's not him," I said, carefully, "its me."

"Or us -"

He was smart, I gave him that. He always seemed to have this uncanny knack for going straight to the truth of things, his words were often brutal but they were the truth.

"Or us," I said, simply, "whatever it is…it's my own doing."

He stepped closer to me as if he wanted to hold me but he didn't. He only met my eyes and offered another cheeky grin.

"Don't beat yourself up Freckles, you ain't so bad."

"Thanks, James."

He smiled, "Come on you want a hug?"

He was impossible to resist when he was being charming and I needed him in that moment, I needed to be comforted. I needed to have my friend back.

I went to him and he folded me up in his arms, held me.

"It's alright," he said, smoothing my hair back.

I pulled back slightly and searched his eyes, saw real genuine affection there and wondered as I had often wondered before why I could not take the lust and attraction I felt for him and make it something real. Why it was Jack and only Jack that I could allow myself to love, even at the expense of my own suffering, my own insecurity.

He bent down and kissed me. It was a soft kiss and because it was not forced or demanding, I let him kiss me for the moment, needing to feel wanted more then ever.

Suddenly, Sawyer was pulling back and looking over my shoulder at something, a surprised look on his face.

"What…" I started to say as I turned around and untangled myself from his arms. It was Jack standing behind me. His expression was a combination of hurt, anger, and raw bitterness.

He shook his head, lowered it.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," he said and looking up, he met my eyes. They were burning black with his anger. It wasn't the anger I saw that filled my heart with a fresh wealth of pain. But, the hurt there - the proof what he had said earlier. That it was I was me who was the untrustworthy one. That it was me who had betrayed him first.

"I guess your fine," he added, almost choking on his words.

I wanted to say something, anything at all - to find the right things to say to simply erase what had just happened. I couldn't open my mouth. I just stood there numbly, seeing his eyes, the way his shoulders had stiffened and the way his expression, the look on his face seemed to run the gamut of emotions - hate, love, desire, disgust - all in the span of mere seconds. I watched his heart break right in front of me and I could do nothing but watch it happen. He turned and walked away, leaving me and Sawyer alone. I wanted to go after him - sprout a million clichés.

_It doesn't mean anything… _

_It's not what it looks like…_

But, I couldn't. Was this for the best. Should I let him go? To where - her? Should I give Sawyer a chance and forget about love and just be content with good sex and companionship?

I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and did nothing. It was Sawyer who broke the spell.

"Hey, you alright?'

"I'm fine," I said, quickly.

"That don't look like fine," he said, quietly, as he wiped the tears that had started to fall off my cheek.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to Jack's tent and found him sitting over a still sleeping Juliet and he was crying not loudly and not sobbing but his head was in his hands and when he heard me approach, he looked up and he wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

"Hey," I offered.

"Just go, Kate," he said.

"It wasn't anything -"

He laughed bitterly.

"Just stop, Kate…here I was thinking I was the jerk in all this and then I see you and him, just…"

"It was - I don't know, it was nothing, a moment of weakness."

God! Those words sounded pathetic, even to me.

"Yeah, and so was that the same kind of _nothing_ I saw before…"

"I don't want him," I offered.

He stood and came out his tent, stepped in front of me, angry. I stepped back instinctively, the fury in him was something I had rarely seen before. I wasn't afraid of him physically even though he looked almost angry enough but more then anything I was suddenly scared to death of what he would say to me.

"You don't know what you want!" he shouted at me.

"Neither do you?" I challenged, lifting my eyes to his.

"Yes, I do," he said, quietly, his eyes blazing with anger.

The way he was looking at me, made me weak in the knees. He was angry, he was hurt but there was also passion there.

I reached for him and for a moment it seemed as if he would relent, take me in his arms and silence my words, my weak pleas at forgiveness with his lips.

Instead, he all but shoved me off him, causing me to stumble back and almost fall. I looked up in surprise.

"Jack, please…just tell me what you want from me?"

"I want to pretend I never met you," he said, his words like a raw wound, "so just go…"

"You mean that?" I asked, close to tears, "you really want me out of your life?

"Yeah, I do…"

"Fine," I said, stifling back a torrent of emotion, a flood of tears.

I turned and started away from him, turned and called over my shoulder.

"I hate loving you," I told him and I saw his eyes tear up, he looked away from me.

"I hate loving you to," he said.

_Okay, so did I go a bit overboard with the angst? Forgive me…but, I am slowly and surely moving to the hot and heavy Jate action and let's face it for those of us in the know - make up love is the best love…and these two need some of that big time - oh well, maybe someday we can actually see some of that on the show, until then I am going to content myself with my stories…please leave a review…they make me _


	12. Thinking It Through

Chapter 12

Thinking it Through

_Sorry for the delay in posting, I have way too much school stuff going on but I will try and get a new chapter up sooner then later, anyway …thanks again for all of you reading this…you guys are the best!_

I went back to my shelter and started throwing things into a book bag, I wasn't really thinking, considering what was practical to take and what wasn't.

Tears streamed down my face hard and I couldn't turn them off, I wiped at them absently with the back of my hand as I haphazardly packed my things.

_How dare he…How dare he make me act so weak!_

I reached for some underwear and tossed them into the bag, along with a pocket knife, a long sleeved shirt and whatever else was close at hand.

I threw everything into the bag and tried to zip it up but the contents were bulging and wouldn't fit.

It was the straw that broke me.

I sank to my knees and started punching the stupid bag, hysterical like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. It felt good, punching something. I needed it.

"Goddamn it!" I swore.

"Kate, what is it, what's wrong?"

I must have really lost, no doubt having attracted the attention of everyone else on the beach. I sat back on my knees and put my head and my hands, cried some more.

It was Sun. I felt her come and kneel by my side and take my shoulders. I wouldn't look up, I didn't want anyone's comfort in that moment but her kindness brought me around.

"I-I am such an idiot," I managed to get out, through the thickness of my tears, my ragged breathing.

I paused and ran my hands through my hair, took a breath and tried to collect myself.

She rubbed my bare shoulders a little and moved her hand to the side of my face, pressed it to her shoulder.

"Did you and Jack…"

"Me and Jack are history," I said nearly choking on my own bitterness as I turned to her and wiped the hair off my face, "Jack and I never were."

I felt more tears coming but I swallowed back the lump in my throat.

Her eyes were wide with her concern as she took in the scene before her. There were clothes strewn everywhere and the back bag, lying on its side, contents spilled.

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere - anywhere, just away…"

I hadn't thought about it or planned it through, maybe I would just walk forever, hell right into the ocean.

It didn't matter anymore. I just wanted to get away.

"That isn't safe," she said, a voice of reason.

She made sense but I didn't want to be reasonable. I didn't have the rationale at the moment to consider my options. He had told me he wanted me out of his life. It was the least I could do, for both our sakes.

I stood up abruptly and hoisted up the bag, things spilling out. Sun reached down and plucked a tank top from the pile of things that had fallen, straightened up.

"Kate," she tried again.

"I am not staying Sun," I told her, stubbornly.

"You could get hurt," she pleaded.

"Too late," I muttered under my breath as I took the tank top from her and balled into my fist.

"Look, I appreciate the concern," I said, quickly, "but I am a big girl, I'll be alright."

I turned and left with her trailing behind me.

"He does love you," she said and I turned back to her.

"He does," she went on when I didn't say anything, "everyone sees that."

"I know," I said, "but I don't deserve it." I turned and hurried off before she could say more.

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I followed the beach for a long time, my legs burned and I was exhausted but I pushed myself on. I cried on and off, muttered a lot of curse words under my breath and only stopped when I realized it was getting dark. The headache was back and I was bone tired.

I plopped down on the sand and opened the book bag, took out a bottle of water and took a long swallow. The headache receded slightly and I took another sip. My body was coated in sweat. I turned my head in the direction of our camp. There was no one in sight. I had never been so removed from the world before. I was all alone.

I twisted the cap back on and sat it down on the sand next to me, as the sun set, the air got colder, I reached into the bag for a sweater and put it on.

I was tired but I could also tell I wasn't going to sleep. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them, looked out into the water, my eyes burned.

I had been crying on and off all day and now I felt wrung out, my energy having left me.

I replayed our conversation over and over again, like a record, over and over his words came back to haunt me.

He had told me that he wished he had never met me and I could understand that, I think part of me wished I had never met him too.

I sighed, sat back and rested on my arms. I shook my head trying to clear his words from my head but they weren't budging. I couldn't _not _dwell on it.

I just couldn't figure out for the life of me why I had managed to ruin everything. I didn't need to run anymore, Jack wasn't Kevin, someone who I had to protect. Here nothing else mattered but us and still, I had managed to push him away from me.

That was who I was, the girl who pushed everyone away, who everyone wound up hurt by.

If we loved one another then why were things so royally screwed up. Why had everything gone so wrong.

_Because you slept with Sawyer…_

I had been scared all along, so afraid of never measuring up. I knew I wasn't good like him and never would be. I had never believed that a man like that could want to be with a woman like me in the first place but he had, until I proved myself to be little more then a faithless whore. One who had played him for a fool and broken his heart.

Why then would he ever choose me over someone like Juliet. Sure, she was an other but she had never lied to him, never made him feel like less of a man. She was also beautiful and smart, an educated woman. I wasn't. I had barely finished high school and had spent my early twenties not in college but with a serious of low down dirty boyfriends. I wasn't the kind of woman that men like Jack wound up with and I never would be. I was probably his choice only by default, I mean we were on a deserted island for Christ sakes, the picking were slim.

The truth is I know I am good looking and being such it was always easy for me to let a guy know I wanted him but I didn't just want Jack, I needed him. That was the difference, without him, I wasn't whole. I was only half alive and I was suddenly swept away by the enormity of my revelation. I loved him. I could see him as the father of my children. I could grow old with a man like Jack and love him as much today as I would fifty years from now. I would always respect him, admire him, and believe in him because he was so good.

Was it too late? Would he get over it? If it came down to it would he pick me or would it be her? I didn't know.

The sun had now set over the water leaving behind brilliant streaks of orange and purple.

It was beautiful. It was paradise. So why wasn't everything okay? Why wasn't the man I love with me, sharing this view?

I had to make things right. I couldn't run this time. If I did it wouldn't matter, I could never out run the way I felt about him.

I loved him.

I would make it work, I had to…


	13. The Calm Before The Storm

Chapter 13

Calm Before The Storm

_Sorry for the delay everyone… school is over for the semester so now I have more time to write….Enjoy!_

I blinked against the harsh glare of a rising sun as the sound of my name being called, drifted towards me through the sounds of a crashing surf.

I sat up, stiff all over from sleeping on nothing but sand and some t-shirts. I wiped at my eyes and tried to adjust them to brightness of an early morning sun.

I heard my name again and I twisted my head towards the sound of it.

It was Jack.

He was jogging up to me and as I saw his expression, one of pure panic, I stood, still half asleep and convinced I was dreaming.

"Kate…"

Him calling my name, snapped me to full awareness. He had come after me!

I hurried towards him and as I approached, he stopped.

He looked frantic with worry, his eyes red from lack of sleep, maybe tears.

Despite that he looked so goddamn beautiful to me, I was sure he could tell, see the look of raging desire I felt for him. Still, he had hurt me, we had hurt each other.

"Hey," I said.

'Hey, hey… is that it?"

He was mad at me. He was always mad at me lately and I knew that I must have scared him half to death, running off the way I had.

He stepped towards me and grabbed me by the shoulders. I had never seen him this upset, this angry and I had made him plenty angry over the short time we has known one another.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

I grimaced and tried to shake him off.

That was typical Jack, masking his fear with a grand show of anger.

"I was getting out of your life," I said as I pushed his hands off me.

"I was doing what you wanted."

" I didn't say that so you would go off into the middle of nowhere by yourself!" He shouted, his aggravation obvious in the tone of his voice.

"You have no clue, no concern for anyone but you Kate!"

"That's not true!" I shouted back.

"It is," he said roughly, "You win, Kate… okay?"

"Win, what?"

"You win, you got the better of me, okay? You made me worry and fear and spend an entire night wandering this beach, losing my mind out over you!"

"You've been out here looking for me all night?"

I felt tears coming, my throat closing up at the worry he must have felt. I felt terrible putting him through all that. He had every right to be angry with me, for if our roles had been reversed, I might have killed him when I found him.

I saw him watch as my expression changed from anger to sadness and as it did, I watched his anger start to melt away.

He swallowed and nodded, his eyes adverted from mine.

"Yeah," he said and lowered the back pack he carried.

"When Sun told me what you were doing, I went looking for you - all night, all night I thought you were dead or hurt - it was a stupid and irresponsible thing to do, Kate."

I hated when he chastised me like some backwards child. He had made his point, why push it?

I brushed the tears off my cheeks and advanced on him. He wasn't blameless, he wasn't perfect. I was not the only one who had caused this rift between us and I wasn't going to have handed to me, it wasn't my burden alone.

"Don't you dare talk irresponsibility with me? I am not the one sleeping with the enemy, am I?"

"Shut up!"

The roughness of his words startled me as he straightened up.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that…"

"Just shut up about her, about…"

"About Juliet?"

I was relentless.

He turned from me.

"Don't mention her name.. I don't want…"

"What?" I continued, "to hear someone tell you that maybe, just maybe… that the great and wonderful Jack Sheppard is every bit as screwed up as everyone else …that maybe he is every bit as irresponsible and thoughtless…"

"Stop it! Kate…don't you…"

"What?" I shouted at him, "what - make you feel like you make me feel - like a cheap slut…who isn't beyond…"

He whirled on me, catching me in his arms so quickly and so completely that the words died on my lips.

His anger, his strength, his passion overwhelmed me to the point were I felt my body turn to jelly in his hands.

"Shut up!" He told me once more and then his mouth and body were pressed completely against me and he was kissing me so hard and so deeply I could scarcely breathe.

I kissed back, hungry for him, needing him.

I shut up and kissed him as he lowered us both to the sand.

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We laid there, on the sand, the hot sun beating down on us as he was held one another, each lost in the enormity of our thoughts. We had made love and it had been everything that I had long dreamt of but now, now there were things still to be said, still between us. I sat up and started pulling on the remains of my sand filled clothes, the ones we had managed to keep on in the midst of our love making. I reached for my tee shirt and pulled it down over my head. I heard him start to get dressed behind me and then he sat up with me. I could feel his eyes on my face.

"I got carried away," he said.

"So- you didn't want that?" My voice was small, weak.

"I didn't say that." He took my chin in his hand and tilted my face towards his.

He smiled down at me.

"No, I wanted that - I did but Kate, what the hell are we doing to each other?"

"Driving each other crazy, I suppose."

"Do you think that's healthy for either of us?"

He had a point. He did, he was always the rational one, at least he had been before he had decided to sleep with Juliet and add her to our complicated mess of tangled relationships.

"Probably not," I told him carefully.

He turned his face from mine.

"I just want to go back and undo it all," he told me, and the sound of weariness and heartache in his voice, caused my own heart to crumble just a bit more.

I watched as he put his face in his hands, talked into them.

"I just want to make it right again and I can't and you can't either…we can't change what's happened between us."

"No," I said, " we can't but we can try from this point on…that is if you want to?"

I put my hand on his back, carefully, felt him stiffen at my touch.

"Jack, do - do you love me?"

It sounded so pathetic even to me but I needed to know, I wanted to hear him say those words. Once I heard them, I knew I would do anything to make it work between us.

It scared me as it always did how much I loved and needed this man.

He looked at me and nodded, a tear slid down his face.

"Yes - yes, I love you, Kate…I love you so much."

I couldn't help it, I started crying and he smiled, breaking down with me.

The two of us, wrapped in each others arms, sobbing in the crux of one another's shoulder. I could feel the relief we both felt, overwhelming us as we clung to one another and allowed ourselves to release the pain and frustration we had kept within us both for far too long.

He pulled back and looked at me and then nodded, he smiled at me and as always the sight of his grin caused my heart to pitter patter.

I was a fool for him whether I liked it or not.

"I want to try with you."

"I want to try with you too," I said, returning his grin and wiping the tears from my eyes.

He reached for me and pressed his lips to mine.

_Did you think that was it? The happy ending… there is still more…next chapter, Juliet finds out about Jack and Kate…. _


	14. Because I Love You

_Okay first off the finale nearly killed me lol… I am so depressed. Anyway, at least we have fan fiction…right? _

Chapter 14

Because I Love You…

We walked back hand and hand. I suppose if I tried hard enough, I could pretend things were normal. That I was strolling along the beach with my boyfriend, somewhere else. Somewhere safe and far away. I wasn't that great a pretender, especially since my clothes were itchy and full of sand and Jack and I were not stopping to kiss or horse around. Jack was all business, trudging back to the camp with his hand locked firmly in mine.

He all but dragged me and I had to half jog to keep up with him.

He looked so serious as I studied his profile. His jaw clenched shut and his eyes somewhere else, thinking.

"Hey, you want to slow down…"

He stopped and looked at me, I was out breath.

He released my hand and I stopped, and took a few deep breaths, pushed my hair off my face.

"I'm sorry…I didn't realize," he said rather absently.

"What's the hurry?"

"There's no hurry," he said quickly as he turned his gaze from mine.

He was lying. I could tell.

"Jack…why the hell are you all but running us back?" I asked carefully.

"Juliet," he said and then turned back to me.

I was the first to look away.

"Oh," I said.

"Hey, it's not like that, Kate…"

I had my head down, hating myself for acting so ridiculous and jealous.

He came over to me and I felt him take my shoulders.

"Will you look at me?"  
I looked, his eyes big and concerned, he leaned down and kissed me lightly on the mouth.

"It's not like that - I just don't want to leave there alone with everyone else, I don't want her to get hurt."

"You think someone would hurt her?"

"She isn't going to talk to them, she's scared…I just don't want people to get the wrong idea about her."

I opened my mouth to answer him but then reconsidered, clamped it shut.

I didn't trust her either. I also figured Jack wasn't the best judge of character especially since they had history together now. His rationale was clouded when it came to her and I knew that as a woman if Juliet wanted, she could have played him all along.

Jack was without question a smart guy but he was also a complete idiot were women were concerned.

"Alright," I said and he reached for my hand and offered me a grin.

I smiled back.

"I'll walk slower," he said.

---------------------------------------

As we headed back to the beach, we found Juliet sitting alone by the surf, a good half mile from everyone else. She looked up as we approached, lifted a hand to shield her eyes from the sun.

As Jack noticed her, he released my hand from his. I tried not to let the gesture bother me but it did.

She stood and started brushing the sand off her jeans as Jack approached her. I followed but hung back.

"What are you doing all the way out here?" I heard him ask her.

"I could ask you the same," she said as she glanced over his shoulder as I approached.

"Hello Kate," she said coolly, turning those laser blue eyes on me.

"Juliet," I said, just as cool, as I reached down and pulled some water from my pack and busied myself drinking.

"How are you feeling, are you drinking enough? Did you eat?"

She laughed it off with a wave of her hand.

"I'm okay," she said to him but her eyes were still locked on me.

I looked away.

The silence was awkward for a moment and then Jack was handing her some water.

"I'm okay," she insisted, trying to push it back.

"I don't care," he said," drink it."

She did, taking a nice, long swallow. She handed it back to him.

"Satisfied?" She asked with a flirty tilt of her head.

"Yeah," he said, "So you hiding out from everyone else."

"I figured it was my best bet with you gone," another pointed look from her, " seeing how the natives might have fancied themselves a witch hunt in your absence."

"They're good people," Jack told her, "they've just been through a lot."

'Haven't we all," she said.

She looked to me again and I had to fight the urge to scream, 'what the hell are you looking at?' at her but then her eyes narrowed, her lips pursed in a thin line as if something had just occurred to her, something unpleasant.

"Your shirts inside out," she said to me and then she turned to Jack.

"So is yours," she hissed at him, tears springing into those blue eyes of hers.

He caught her arm as she turned from him in a fury.

"Hey, hold up," he started to say but she yanked her arm from him.

"I turned my back on everyone for you! For you Jack and you want her, some faithless slut…"

My eyes narrowed as I stepped towards her.

"Wait! What did you just call me?"

Jack put his arm out to stop me.

"A slut!" Juliet said, eyes mean and narrow.

"How dare you, you lying bitch!" I reached for her throat but Jack got between us, he held us off.

"Stop it!" He said loudly.

"Did you hear what she just called me?" I asked, furious.

I was a down home kind of girl, always have been and always will be. Believe me in Iowa there are only two reason we ladies take to fighting. One is when another woman makes a play for our guy and two when she calls us a slut. Juliet had done both and I was totally going to break her face for it.

" I heard her," Jack said quietly, "Now both of you, cut it out."

"Did you sleep with her?" Juliet asked and she looked close to tears.

"Yes," he said.

She turned and put her head in her hands.

"Does she know you slept with me?"

"Yeah, I know," I said.

She turned back.

"She will only hurt you Jack, she already has…why are you so stupid when it comes to her?"

"Because I love her," he said, quietly and went to her. I watched as he took her in his arms and tried to comfort her.

"I don't expect you to understand," he told her.

"Your damn right," she said, flinging his arms off.

"I just hope you remember that when that bitch decides to trample on you again."

That was it, I was really starting to lose my cool. Was I really suppose to just stand there while she called me every name in the book?

"You don't know a goddamn thing about me, Juliet!" I shouted at her and Jack quickly jumped in front of me and started pushing me back from Juliet by the shoulders.

"Who the hell are you to act so holier then thou - you backstabbing, double crossing bitch!"

"Real classy, Kate," she said with that infuriating smirk on her face.

Classy, hmmm, I'd show her classy…

"Let me go, Jack…" I said trying to wriggle from his death grip on me.

"Not until you calm down," he told me.

He turned his head long enough to look at Juliet but she was backing away from us.

"Just leave Juliet, okay…"

"Yeah, I'll leave," she told him, her voice a tight whisper as she turned and started to trudge off.

As she started away, Jack released me, when I took a step forward to go after Juliet, he caught my arm.

"She's leaving, okay…I sent her away for now."

I stopped, realizing that I was acting like a fool. I paused and nodded, stopped fighting him.

"I'm sorry," I said sheepishly.

I thought I saw a smile on his face as he pulled me into a tight hug.

"It's okay," he said as he pulled back and started laughing.

"Hey, why are you laughing at me?"

"Because your crazy you know that, Kate…and unpredictable and so damn beautiful you make my heart hurt just to look at you…and because I love you."

"I wasn't going to hurt her, not really…" I said allowing a small smile on my face.

"Sure you weren't," he said, shaking his head, "by the way, remind me never to call you a slut."

"Your reminded," I said.

_You can take the girl out of the Midwest but you can't take the Midwest out of the girl…Next chapter…Jack and Kate deal with Sawyer and Juliet…_


	15. A Shot in the Dark

Chapter 15

A Shot in the Dark

_Okay, anyway sorry for the delay in posting, I will try and have the next chapter up in the next few days…thanks again for reading._

As we came back into camp, I first noticed Sun hanging up clothes. She looked up and caught both my eye and Jack holding my hand. She smiled, relief on her face. I smiled back and waved which she returned.

I turned to Jack .

"You look exhausted," I told him.

He smiled at me, "Yeah, I guess I am," he admitted.

"You should lay down," I told him.

"Good idea," he said and then there was a pause, a slight awkwardness there between us.

"Are you tired?" He asked after a moment.

"I am," I said.

"Do you - uh want to sleep with me, I mean - you know," He stammered and then looked away but not before I saw the blush creep across his face.

"I know what you mean," I kidded him.

"I would be honored to nap beside you," I added.

"Okay," he said, and then he met my eyes with that teasing glint I so loved.

"Your place or mine?" He asked.

"Mine," I said.

We went to my tent which was still a wreck from my hasty packing job. He took one look around and looked back at me, still grinning.

"Well, you can't clean worth a damn - how are you as a cook?"

"Don't be an ass," I said as I stepped in behind him.

We stood there, each of us trying to play off are feelings of unease. We had just become lovers but everything was still so new. We had no idea on what to do now that we had officially become a "couple."

It was Jack who made the first move. He kept those intense eyes of his locked on mine as he lifted his shirt off his head and tossed it to the ground and began kicking his shoes off.

"You're turn," he said.

I smiled at him and took off my own shirt and then my bra and then my shoes. Until, I was standing in front of him in nothing but my jeans.

He never took his eyes off me, just studied every inch of my exposed skin with a fascination that made my heart flutter and a blush creep across my face.

"You're so beautiful," he told me.

I grinned and reached for the button of my jeans and slid them off my hips, down and off me.

I came towards him in nothing save my underwear and he opened his arms for me and I went to him.

He kissed me, his hands making slow, soft circles across my bare back, even in the humid heat, I could feel my flesh start to turn to goose flesh.

He lowered his lips to mine and slowly and gently began to bite my lower lip in a way that made me desire him all over again.

I felt myself reach towards the buckle of his jeans, wanting him again.

"So much for a nap," I said as the kiss grew in intensity.

"It's all your fault, you had to go and take your clothes off."

"That's because I sleep in my underwear, mister."

"That's good to know," he said as he lifted me up and into his strong arms, my legs wrapped around his waist, we tumbled backwards and onto the floor. My lips never leaving his as we fell.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"You in here, Freckles?"

The sound of Sawyers voice caused me to jump nearly out of my skin.

I sat up with a start, looking to my right to see Jack passed out blissful beside me.

I reached for a tank top and started to throw it over my head just as Sawyer peeked his head in, catching both the sight of my naked breasts and a nearly naked Jack snoring beside me.

"Oh," he said.

"Goddamn it James!" I was embarrassed and pissed.

Jack took the opportunity to open an eye and roll over towards the commotion.

"What is it baby?" He mumbled in his sleep, but as his half asleep eyes took in Sawyer, he suddenly came wide awake and sat up, his hands instantly going for the buckle of his jeans, sliding them up his hips.

"Christ!" He said, thoroughly annoyed.

"So looks like you got a turn at my favorite ride, doc." Sawyer said as he turned angry, hurt eyes on me.

"I would watch what you say to her if I were you," Jack said, standing - bare-chested and furious.

"Oh really?"

Sawyer said as he faced Jack.

"You heard me the first time," Jack said, his voice indicating that he was not about to back down.

Sawyer looked to me and then back to Jack.  
"Hell, no need to get yourself worked up, doc."

Sawyer told him with a cocky grin, "sloppy seconds aren't my thing."

He turned and started to leave but not before Jack tackled him and sent them both flying out of my tent and out into full view of everyone else on the beach.

I was on my feet in a second, wearing nothing but my panties and a tight tank top.

I dashed out to find the two of them wrestling one another in the sand.

"Stop it!," I shouted trying to get between them but neither seemed to realize I was standing there.

They ignored me.

"You son of a bitch!" Sawyer shouted as Jack got the better of him and slammed his fist into his face over and over again.

I grabbed Jack's arm and tried to pull him back, frightened that he was going to lose control and kill Sawyer.

I saw Sayid racing towards us with Jin in tow. The two managed to grab Jack's arms and haul him off a bleeding Sawyer.

"You have nothing to say to her, you hear me!" Jack shouted at the inert Sawyer, "Or so help me god, I will kill you!"

The sounds of the fight seemed to bring everyone around and there I was in full view of everyone else nearly naked.

I took one embarrassed look at everyone's stunned faces and hurried back into my tent.

The sounds of Jack's shouts and Sayid's attempt at calming him down reaching my ears as I hurriedly grabbed my jeans, and threw them on. I raced back out to find Jack standing with Sayid, pacing the sand and trying to catch his breath. Sawyer still lying there bleeding and trying to sit up.

It looked as if Jack had broken his nose.

I went to him.

"Sawyer…"

He waved me off and stood, his left eye swollen shut. There was blood everywhere but to give Sawyer credit, he still managed to turn his good eye on me and say, "Did I just get my ass kicked by a goddamn spinal surgeon, Freckles?"

I couldn't help it, I laughed.

"Yeah, you kind of did."

He turned his head and spat out a mouthful of blood.

"That man is crazy about you," he said as he turned his eyes on my frightened face.

"I'm crazy about him too," I said and then a pause, "I am sorry James, I never meant to mislead you."

"Don't you talk to him," Jack shouted as he stepped towards us with Sayid trailing behind him, trying to get Jack to calm down.

"It's okay," I said.

Sawyer was standing with my help.

"Do you love her?" Sawyer asked and I could practically hear everyone on the beach, holding their breath and awaiting his answer.

Jack seemed to understand and I watched his anger dissolve.

He took a deep breath and nodded, he looked from my face to Sawyers before he answered.

"Yeah, I do - I truly do," he said, "You know that Sawyer."

"Yeah, guess I did."

Sawyer turned to me and gave me a small smile.

"Alright Freckles, what's done is done," he said as he released my arm and turned to leave.

"Let me look at you," Jack said, now that he was done being angry, the doctor in him was kicking in.

"If I'm walking I don't need a doctor," Sawyer told him over his shoulder as he started away.

I stood there looking at Jack and he was looking at me, around us people began to slowly disperse now that the fight was over.

I smiled and stepped towards him, my eyes filling with tears as he reached for me.

It was then that I heard the shot, just one.

I looked up at Jack and saw his face was a mask of complete and total shock, I started to ask him what was wrong and then the pain hit me.

It was a fiery, red agony that spread across my back. I stumbled and collapsed in his arms, felt him lower me to the sand.

"Oh my god, Kate…!"

I turned my head and caught Jack's gaze as a woman, a blond woman disappeared back into the shadows of the jungle from which she had been standing.

Her face a blur as a heavy darkness came and blotted out both her image and that of Jack, lying over me weeping.

I felt myself start to drift as I heard the sounds of people racing towards us and Jack's sobs.

The last thing I heard before I lose consciousness was Jack telling Sayid that Juliet had shot me.

_Okay so don't worry folks…I won't be killing off my Kate that easily and certainly not at the hands of Juliet! You'll see… Once again, thanks for reading. _


	16. A Promise

Undo

Chapter 16

A Promise

_I am so sorry for the long delay. This chapter drove me crazy and though it's far from perfect. I think it's pretty good…the next one will be better, I promise. Thank you for reading… almost a 100 reviews! You guys are fantastic…thanks so much!!!_

He was crying and I could do nothing to soothe him as I could hear but not see him as he bent over me and sobbed.

"Baby, please - don't you leave me," he begged, "I can't live without you, please."

I wanted to raise my hand, touch his face and wipe away all those tears of his and make it better.

I could do nothing. I laid somewhere between dream and awake, in a dark cloud were everything was warm and safe but he was still crying.

"I got it out and I think, I think you'll live - but baby, you might - might never walk and it's my fault, all my fault…"

His voice broke and his sobs deepened.

The news did not fill me with sadness for myself, in this cocoon of sorts were pain did not touch me, I could care less for my legs but I was concerned over his pain.

I didn't want him to cry for me. I wanted him to be strong, everyone else needed him so much more then I did.

I wanted to tell him that but I couldn't.

I tried to move my hands or open my eyes but nothing would budge and then the darkness deepened around me and I drifted away once more, the sound of his sobs drifting farther and farther away from my ears as I faded off into nothing.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Sawyer who greeted me as my eyelids fluttered open and I came to, he for once had nothing to say, his mouth a perfect O of shock as my vision cleared.

"Sawyer…"

"Holy crap, freckles?"

"Yeah, I-…what happened?"

"Too much," Sawyer said and I felt him reach for my hand and squeeze it.

"How long have I..?"

"Don't talk, I'll get Jack…"

He was gone before I could protest.

I laid there too weak to move and my head clouded with images, something bad had happened only I couldn't quite remember what that was.

Jack was there in a second with Sawyer trailing behind him. I could hear people gathering outside the tent, murmuring.

"Oh my god!" Jack said as he fell to his knees beside me.

"Jack…what's wrong with me?"

"You got shot Kate but now that your awake, your going to be okay."

I saw something dark and uncertain come and flash across his eyes, he leaned down and kissed my lips, smoothed back my hair.

"I don't know what I would do without you, I love you so much," he whispered, tears in his eyes.

"I feel strange…my body, my legs…what's wrong with…"

"Hey, its okay, don't - your alive, that's all that matters to me."

I saw Sawyer behind, saw the grave expression on his face as Jack tried to soothe me.

His chin was in his hand and his expression was the saddest I had ever seen him make.

"God sake, Jack…tell her the truth," he whispered.

"Shut up Sawyer!"

Jack said furiously as he whirled on him.

"Tell me what," I tried to sit up but couldn't, everything seemed to hard to manage, frustrated I sank back.

"She has the right to know," Sawyer said stubbornly as he looked over at me and then looked away.

It hit me then, what was wrong. I closed my eyes and let the tears come.

"I'm paralyzed, aren't I?"

My voice came out a weak, strangled whisper and I knew from there expressions that I was right.

My heart sank down deep in my chest, I turned my head away not wanting them to see me cry.

"Kate, baby - please…don't."

I heard Jack's voice break with emotion as he took my shoulders and rolled me towards him, felt him pull me up and towards his chest to cradle me in his arms, rock me as I cried.

"Just go," I heard Jack say to Sawyer and Sawyer sensing our need to share this pain together and alone, left us.

"It's okay - cry if you got to," he whispered into my hair.

"Is - it …never, I'll never…will I?"

"I don't know, I can't - it's impossible to tell while were here and …"

I tore myself from his arms, looked up and met his eyes.

"Give me a gun Jack," I stated it as calmly as I could but my shaking voice betrayed me.

The pain in his eyes was immeasurable.

"No," he said.

"I won't live being a burden to you or anyone else," I told him.

He grabbed my face roughly between his palms and pressed his forehead to mine.

"No," he said again, "don't you ever give up on me like that Kate…don't you go and leave me."

The sorrow and the depth of his emotion in that sentence, filled my heart with both the awesome feeling of the devotion he radiated and my own heart sick pain.

How could I ever be a woman to him now? I was an invalid, a patient, he might claim to love me still but I knew that sooner then later that this would come between us.

He would see me weakened and sick and he would fall out of love with me.

" I love you," he murmured, his lips on mine, as if sensing my fears, "I'll never stop."

"Yes, you will…"

"Then you don't know me Kate…"

I lowered my head to his neck and held him as tight as I could, as weak as I was, I wanted to mold myself to him, feel his strength and be made whole again.

I suddenly remembered everything, I remembered the face I saw after I was shot.

It was her, that bitch…Juliet.

"Where is she?"

He turned his head away.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"She kidnapped Sun and she escaped, I think that was her plan all along."

My heart sank and I could see the toll all this had taken on him.

It face was lined with worry and fear but most of all guilt.

The blame he had placed upon his already too heavy shoulders.

"Then you go find her," I said as I reached up, cupped his face in my palm, "And you get her back for this…"

He kissed my lips and told me not to worry. That he would find her and make her responsible for what she had done.

I closed my eyes then, the rage I felt at not being able to go after myself weighed far too heavy on me.

"Promise?"

"I promise…"

"Swear it."

"I swear."

I let him hold me tight against him while I cried.


End file.
